Dua for a Lost Sister

While I was trying to escape from the distraction that kept me from studying for finals I found things that kept me focused on the future. When ever I see someone who is obviously following their deen properly I get self conscious and guilty. My big curls exposed for the world to see...and you know my shirt doesn’t quite cover me...then there are these jeans that could be made into a skirt. Ohh man...then I spots a nikabi and of course I feel even worse. Well my sisters aren’t doing anything to make me feel horrible; it's just that I see what I lack in them. I no longer desire to be part of the crowd and curse myself for looking like everyone else, blending in with the people unseen but also being seen too much. I shudder when someone complements my hair, as if they just spat in my face and shot an arrow through my heart. When I feel some one leering at me or my brothers and sisters looking perplexed at me when I enter the masalla...they didn’t know I was Muslim, they couldn’t tell. It's not important for me to SHOW that I’m a Muslim to others but it is important that I follow the word of Allah (SWT) and by doing that it's very difficult to blend into a crowd of rowdy University kids. Even though God is always watching I often forget until it's time for prayer or I spot someone that has remembrance of God in everything that they do. I am a tragic excuse for a Muslim and if I die today then I go to my grave with my record flawed. How did I even give Dahwah when I myself am in dire need for dahwah! My salat is lacking substance, my iman fluctuates too much, and my knowledge of Islam makes me an infant in Islam. Lower my gaze they say, guard your chastity they tell me, humble yourself they plead! All for my own good wallahi, yet I still find myself leering at attractive men OHH except this time at pious men… (Wow that’s a whole lot better!). I can’t even bring myself to the issue of all my male friends who I have known for years…and some not too long. Slowly I am beginning to understand my deen and I have come into a mind frame where I see all my faults and now I just have to implement changes. Wear humble clothing, limit my interaction with males (which means stop being such a flirt), gain knowledge of Islam, give charity, humble myself (I am way to cocky for being just a servant of Allah (swt)), have remembrance of God in everything that I do. If I do this…with the right intentions, then I am most definitely on my way…Inshallah.

The path to Allah

Here is some beautiful nasheed, enjoy! ^_^

We be Lost and Found

It’s kind of funny to look at your past when you have gone through a change. Thinking about the way you used to think, the way you used to act, what your biggest goals were, and how you lived your life. I remember how trapped I used to feel and how I wished I could destroy my life and myself into a pile of ashes and then rise out a beautiful fierce free phoenix, empowered. I was never a bad person; I was just lost in a sea of what I wished not to dissolve into. I needed something and I couldn’t quite grasp what it was. So I started my first year of University and I was definitely dressed the part in my denim shorts and black off the shoulder top. Yeah I looked good and I was excited and there were so many new people and so many new opportunities. After about a month the feeling of excitement wore off and I didn’t really like my new friends because they were not of my world and couldn’t understand me or my search. One day I saw an invitation in the form of a big poster board and a beautiful young woman wrapped in a hijab. I joined the Muslim students association which really wasn’t a big deal since I considered myself a Muslim since birth. My friend's brother was already in the MSA and was always pressuring her to come to the meetings and so I tagged along and soon enough I got swept up in being part of something. No not everyone was nice and warm and made me feel like I was in a family or something, but it was a vessel I used and I gained a type of brother and sister hood from these people. And though my struggle to become a better person and a Muslim started many years before, this was the environment I needed and gave me all the resources I was looking to explore. I realize now my worth, my purpose, and no I haven’t figure out everything yet but I have found direction and a reference for all my questions. I now know that I am beautiful, I'm not a sexual object, I’m not girlfriend material, and I am wife material. I deserve the respect far greater than I imagined I could command from people. I have always been a head strong stubborn independent feminist and to know that I was actually selling me short was ...profound. I've learnt not to be materialistic and that death has a way of snatching you right out of our brand names, luxury vehicles, and posh palaces. Then what? Our deeds and how we treat others in the world is the only thing we take with after death so make sure you are proud of these. I’ve also cured my ambition which was on the verge of tainting my character, and I’m working on being less shallow when it comes to appearances, being more humble in my dress. I always wanted a beautiful man which usually turns out to be beautiful idiots, but when you get old and the looks fade all that is left is an idiot and no one wants that. I'm still a horrible Muslim, but the difference now is that I know and I am working on changing my faults instead of accepting them and in some strange way being proud of them. I’m really just amazed at myself...started off the school year a music lover and now I find solace in the Quran, I started wanted a boyfriend and now I hold out for the respect of being someone’s wife, I started talking to myself in the security of night to figure out my problems and now I pray five times a day that my actions don’t weigh down my soul in the after life, I started the year looking for friends and I found sisters, I started with wearing shorts and end it being a hijabi, I started with looking for people like me and I found my Ummah ... only by the grace of Allah. Subhanallah

Al Sallamu Aleikum
Jazahkallah Khair