"Indeed We created man, and We know what his own self whispers to him."

-Al-Qur'an 50:16-

Friday, November 30, 2012

Weekly Jumuah Special: How Remembering Death Can Make You More Productive

Read this article, its beneficial inshaAllah.

Weekly Jumuah Special: How Remembering Death Can Make You More Productive

Learning to trust and identify the trust worthy


وَتَوَكَّلْ عَلَى اللَّهِ ۚ وَكَفَىٰ بِاللَّهِ وَكِيلًا     ٣٣:٣

"And put thy trust in Allah, and enough is Allah as a disposer of affairs." Quran [33:3]




Wednesday, November 28, 2012

What is it that I do not want people to know about me?

I don't want them to know...

  • That I am insecure about my looks.
  • That I believe that I have a difficult and boring personality.
  • That I have failed at all of my attempts in my professional goals and I feel like a loser.
  • That I pretend to have everything figured out but I have no idea what I am doing.
  • That it doesn't take much for me to compromise my standards because deep down I believe I don't deserve them. 
  • That I am resentful that I don't have the benefits of white privilege in my personal and professional life.  
  • That I am guilty of all the seven deadly sins except for envy.
  • That I don't/can't trust anyone and before that, my father was the only person I've ever trusted.
  • That for the most part I strategically say and do things so that people can't hold my words against me later. In the few instances I do speak freely I berate myself and feel paranoid about it later. 
  • That I care a lot about what people think of me.
  • That I think I am a hypocrite. 
  • That I don't live with integrity.  
  • That I have disrespected myself and I am deeply ashamed of this.
  • That I've been depressed for the last 3-4 years but most of that time I didn't realize it. 
  • That I think I have a black heart and a dark soul. 
  • That the only light I ever saw came from when I accepted Islam. 
  • That I am too caught up in dunya and I struggle a lot with this. 
  • That I make bad decisions.
  • That I am afraid of remaining unmarried and possibly never having children.
  • That I believe that some people are just lonely wandering nomads and I am one of them. I've never had the same group of friends for more than two year. I've never really had a best friend. 
  • That I don't think I am intelligent.
  • That I realized I don't like myself the way I am today and even if I ran away most of my problems would follow because they are my fault.
  • That I used to think people underestimated me but now I'm starting to believe that I was arrogant. 
  • That I am secretive but I don't want to be anymore because it's stressful with little benefit to me. 

...So that list is longer than I expected. The more I wrote the more I remembered. It feels really cathartic to get it out of my head and written down where I can look at it almost objectively. I can fix all of this, one good decision at a time inshaAllah.  

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Deer Jerky

So I was walking home tonight and got into a serious altercation with two very aggressive deer; one of them was huge and had large antlers. I tried to stand my ground but then decided I didn't want to lose teeth over this. I had to walk BLOCKS to get pass these bullies just so I could go home. As soon as I saw them I ran like a little girl. What did I take away from this night...I am now pro-hunting.

Monday, November 19, 2012

Our sister Amal's poem




...cute sweater.

Sunday, November 11, 2012

My Mother

...Will always see me as a child. The child she made, carried, birthed, suckled, changed, and soothed. 

She was the best of mothers until I reached an age where mothering included disciplining. It was a long time before I understood that this is because of how she was disciplined and because she had no mother. 

Although at times I am hit with waves of compassion, most of my time is spent in bitter resentment; Revisiting the album of unpleasant memories and how they have shaped the adult woman I've become. Once or twice I've read articles on the ways my up bringing has rewired my brain and affected my character. I soak up excuses for all my vices and I pass her the blame. My heart is twisted and I find myself slowly becoming worse than what twisted me. I've taken on the story as my identity and write the rest of the plot accordingly.

But now I am asking myself, who I would have become if I had not experienced the negative aspects of my upbringing. I probably would have been balanced in most aspects of my life. I would be happy without the negative context written around my every day. So why don't I drop the old sob story and rewrite the context. Things are pretty good for me right now. And for things that are not going so well, they are all my fault, not hers anymore.

So this is my apology to my mother, for blaming her for everything I couldn't do. And even though she would never say it, I know she is sorry for not being the mother I needed her to be. I know this because that is the essence of all mothers. 

Saturday, November 10, 2012

Obfuscate,

is a real word. It looks like a typo, so its fitting it means something unintelligible. 

I really think like this, this is why I can't ask people for favours

I want what I want how I want it.
Other wise its not what I want,
Its how you want it.
So if you give what I want how you want it,
Then tell me to want what you want how you want it.
I don't want what I want anymore,
I'll only think if how you want what I don't want.
And how you want not to want what I want
Or not to want to give me what I want
... In the way that I want it.
And if finally you give me what I want how I want it.
I will only see that you didn't want it.
And that you made what I want no longer wanted.
And I would have lost the joy of being granted what is wanted,
how I want it.
So just give me what I want how I want it
or don't give it at all.

Our Brother Phil's Poem


Friday, November 09, 2012

Towards the Land of Tauba

I want to live in the city of the Prophet
Upon which blessings and mercy Allah sent
I want to visit the Harram Al Sharif
Under which I will lay down my burdens and grief
I want to travel to Bait al Maqdis
In which I will pray for my brothers’ forgiveness

And if I go it will be with my heart in tow
In search of fertile land for seeds of repentance to grow
And if I go, inshaAllah, I wont return
To the land of sin; departing with hope and in spurn
And if I go may Allah accept
As for what is deficient, forgive, and for the rest intercept

Shock Therapy

It is inertia interacting with the force of drag.
It tampers with infrastructure causing a lag.
Its causes are unknown but results are always sad.
Many a whimper, whines, and sobs to be had.
The cure is abundant yet right out of grasp.
As the nature of affliction is the inability to clasp.
Perhaps a shock will send a shiver down a neurological river.
Sparking the limbs to shoot out, reaching for the giver.
Building paths and covering others.
To clear and colour in the grey matters.



Sunday, November 04, 2012

Today...

I was not feeling well and my sister took care of me. I am grateful Allah swt gave me my sister. I love her and may Allah love her, ameen!